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Published October 30, 2025

Bras: What Are My Options?

A humor writer and a cartoonist try to solve the problem of uncomfortable bras once and for all.
Two cartoon breasts say, "We're fed up with wearing uncomfortable bras!" "So we're investigating some alternatives."
Panel 1 shows a woman in exercise clothes sitting on the ground. She’s icing her head, which had a red bump on it. Her left breast has a matching ice pack and matching red sore. Her breasts have a speech bubble, saying “Jumping Jacks were a terrible idea.”
The caption reads: “Going Braless: A fine choice! Unless you’re running. Or jumping. Or doing anything that requires moving your body. If you’re above a B cup, you will be knocked out by your knockers.
Panel 2 shows a woman’s torso, with two round breasts smushed tight into a spandex tank top. The breasts each have a little face, with a nipple for a nose, and they look extremely compressed. The left breast has a speech bubble that says “if she faints again, it’s your turn to cushion the blow.”
The caption reads: Super-Tight Compression Undershirts: Pros: Your breasts will be contained. Cons: You won’t be able to breathe.
Panel 3 shows a woman’s torso and her left arm. Her breasts are covered in white bandage tape. As she pulls the white bandage tape off the front of her breast, her nipple comes off with the tape. Attached to the tape, we can see the little pink nipple looking happy. A speech bubble attached to the nipple says “Free at Last!”
The caption reads: “Tape: Popular for awards shows, but a little time consuming for everyday boob-maintenance. Note: Pay attention when applying, otherwise you may “free the nipple,” literally.”
Panel 4 shows a woman standing in black underwear, her breasts are smushed against body using two rubber plungers. She looks down at the plungers with an eyebrow raised.
The caption reads: “Industrial-Grade Suction Cups: Carhartt enthusiasts and lovers of workwear aesthetics go crazy for this practical, heavy-duty hoister. This option also comes in handy if you find a clogged drain.“
Panel 5 shows large metal construction scaffolding in front of a woman’s bare torso. Five small construction workers look over plans, lift buckets and ready the area for building. Two signs hang off the scaffolding, saying “under construction” and “DANGER! Construction area, KEEP OUT!”
The caption reads: “Teeny-Tiny Scaffolding: Facebook Marketplace is crawling with miniscule construction crews ready to build a robust frame for your mammary glands. On one hand, the maximum load-bearing capacity weighs in at a generous 1000 pounds per boob! On the other hand, they’ve got to be kidding with these work delays. (Six months? They said they’d be done in two weeks!)”
Panel 6 shows a woman gazing skyward. Two naked baby angels gently lift her breasts up for her.
The caption reads: “Prayer: Are you there, God? It’s me, the one stuck heaving these hefty bazongas. It’d take a miracle to stop this back pain.
Panel 7 shows a large horned devil with two snakes twined up his arms. In one snake’s mouth is a quill, in the other a pot of ink. The devil’s tongue holds a paper contract that says “Eternal Bind. Will receive 1) zero back, neck or shoulder pain. 2) Look perfect in shirts. In exchange: Don't worry about it.”
The caption reads: “A Deal with the Devil: If God won’t help, head down to the Crossroads. Meet the Devil at midnight and enter into a classic Faustian bargain. My soul for 100 years of uninterrupted lift and support? Where do I sign?”
Panel 8 shows a blissful woman floating in water. Two fish swim next to her. A speech bubble shows one of the fish saying “I think the humans are evolving backwards.”
The caption reads: “Live in Water: Let this naturally-supportive element float your funbags. Plus, underboob sweat stains will be a thing of the past.”
Panel 9 shows a shelf at a charity shop. On the shelf are three old teacups, a plug-in owl lamp, seal salt and pepper shakers, and a loose pair of breasts. A sign under the shelf says “Free to a good home.”
The caption reads: “Give Them Away: Farewell, honkers. It was nice knowing you. (Not)”

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