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Published July 28, 2025

It’s Not Everyday

Inpatient treatment doesn't heal you; it stabilizes you. There is a ton of work you have to do afterwards.
A man with his back to us holds a duffle bag and stands in front of a set of double doors. At the end of 2024, I entered a residential treatment program for depression and anxiety, living with 5 others while undergoing intensive therapy
A birthday cake with lit candles on it. It all started months earlier, around my 39th birthday, in the form of a health scare.A man sits in a doctor’s office and a doctor talks with the man. Doctors were unconcerned though unable to tell me what mystery illness I was suffering from.Five forlorn people carry boxes as they exit a building. A few days after my birthday, the company I work for announced that they would be laying off about a third of the company.A man casts a shadow which has a sinister appearance. These two events triggered my generalized anxiety disorder.Three duo-colored pills At this point, I was prescribed Hydroxyzine, a mild, non-benzodiazepine anti-anxiety medication.A man laying awake in bed next to his sleeping wife I began using it regularly due to my severe anxiety but still experienced breakthrough anxiety.A man looking at a prescription bottle Eventually, I assumed the Hydroxyzine wasn’t working and stopped taking it cold turkey.A man sitting on a bed in a psychiatric ward The withdrawal sent me to the psychiatric hospital.Pills in a paper cup There they put me back on it, insisting that I “shouldn’t experience withdrawal”.An ambulance rushing down the street Yet when I stopped taking it again, I ended up right back in the hospital.
People lined up at a cafeteria for breakfast In a psych ward, you’re constantly kept busy: you’re woken up at 7am for breakfast
People arranged in chairs listening to someone speak Then daily meeting
Three people doing yoga in a basketball gymnasium Yoga
People arranged in a circle sitting on chairs Group therapy
A man drawing an octopus in water color Art therapy
A man in line at the cafeteria Lunch
People arranged in a circle in chairs Group therapy again
A woman playing a guitar as others sit on the floor Music therapy
A man holding a cafeteria tray “Dinner” at 4pm
A man sitting in bed reading Breaktime
4 people running on treadmills Exercise
A man looking out of a window at night Then a block of fairly unstructured time
A hand holding a set of keys. Life in a psych ward is also very restrictive.A smart phone, a belt, and a pair of shoes You can’t wear a belt, have shoe laces, or use your phone.A sterile corridor with four open doors, terminating at a desk. The whole time you’re there, you’re basically confined to your room, a hallway, and the common room.Someone watching a TV behind plexiglass. In the common room, someone always has the TV on, so if you want a quiet place to read, you have to chill in your room.A man awoke in bed. People are also in the psych ward for substance abuse issues. I remember being woken up by the sound of someone puking from heroin withdrawal (there were no doors in our rooms).A man standing in a threshold ensconced in shadows And inpatient doesn’t heal you; it stabilizes you. There is still a ton of work you have to do afterwards.A group of five people sitting in chairs along the wall After getting out of the hospital the second time, I went into what’s called a PHP (partial hospitalization program), where I learned coping skills for three hours a dayA group of three individuals sitting against the wall. But the thing about being out of the hospital is that those feelings that put you in there in the first place are still thereClose up on one individual who is wearing glasses. You’re just slightly more stable, so when you get to PHP, you still have fresh trauma.A man wearing a button up shirt while sitting in front of his computer. After PHP, I was still depressed.Three individuals sitting against a wall, the middle one hanging his head. My therapist suggested that I return to PHP, which I did, but things did not improve.A woman on the phone looking at her husband who is laying on the couch. The group therapist called my wife to express concerns.A woman with her hand on a man’s shoulder. At this point, someone suggested residential treatment.A valise in front of a door. I was scared but I thought maybe it was a solution. So I went into residential.
An aerial view of a residential treatment facility Life in a residential treatment facility is surreal.
Two dorm style beds next to each other. The living arrangements felt like I was in my late teens, having roommates that are not my wife.
A man standing in front of a calendar Every day is structured.
A chef frying something on the stove. You have your meals prepped for you.
A plastic basket of smartphones You have no access to computers or your phone (which is actually great).
A man standing by a railing talking on the phone. The only way to contact the outside world is by using the landline.
Two men sitting on a sectional couch, wearing party hats. Going into residential at the end of the year, I celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, and New Years inside./ Boo 2024Close up of a man with glasses. I came out feeling better, if not fully healed.A pair of glasses casting a shadow Life after residential is also surreal.5 men lined up in a row I can’t believe some days that I spent 60 days locked up in a rural souther California house with 5 other guys.A man looking at himself in the mirror I can’t believe that I’m 40 and dealing with mental health issues.A wrist with a hospital admittance band I can’t believe that I was in the hospital twice last year.
A screaming skull I can’t believe that last year was so horrific.
An aerial view of the residential treatment facility, an ambulance, and 3 pills. Some days it’s hard to know how to feel about everything that’s passed.A man standing in profile looking off panel. I’m still processing the events of the past year and trying to find my happiness again.A hand on the man from the last panel’s shoulder. Something that I learned about in residential is the concept of self compassion, and treating myself with kindness.Two men facing each other in profile. It might sound obvious to be nice to yourself, but we tend to speak to ourselves very harshly.Two holding hands I’m still learning to speak to myself with the same gentleness that my loved ones speak to me…A crowd of people Without whom I could not have survived this year.
A person walking up a mountain path I’m not sure what happens now
Close up of feet on the rocky path I still get depressed and anxious, and I’m still learning to be kind to myself, and still figuring out happiness.
A high angle shot of a person walking confidently on a rocky path. But for the first time in a long time, I have hope that things can get better.
A close up on a realistic image of the narrator And after the year I’ve had, that hope feels like a victory.

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